In a previous blog post, If You Don’t Have Anything Shitty to Say, I noted that, “I don’t seek out ‘one-night stands,’ but they happen.” Probably, that statement is just vague enough to make you ask, “What?” If I’m not just some “fuckboy” looking to bang as many girls as possible, why do one night stands occur in my life?
Why One Night Stands Happen
I think there are two necessary components of one night stands. They are:
- You have sex with someone the first time you meet them.
- You never see them again.
The first component is simple: Sex is had on the first date. I don’t really need to explain this one, do I? It happens for me when I think she’s attractive and she thinks I’m attractive – or maybe I think she’s attractive and she’s just bored. Either way, neither of us have hangups about sex and we both want it – so it happens.
The second component is more complicated and this is the one that I alluded to in the previously mentioned blog post, If You Don’t Have Anything Shitty to Say. To paraphrase, I’m not out to bang a bunch of random girls. I’d much rather find girls that I have chemistry with to build deeper relationships.
I don’t judge people who just wanna fuck strangers, but for me, if I like a girl enough to have sex with her, I would probably want to do it again. So, why doesn’t it happen again? As usual, there are a few different reasons and scenarios.
Sometimes, the dynamic changes after sex.
Look out for a blog post with a title that’s something like “Why you should fuck right away” in the near future. I’m a huge advocate of getting sex over with as soon as possible, but not for the reason you probably think. I think getting physical fast is good for building connections because people are fake as fuck before they fuck.
Like I said, I’m gonna make this one point its own blog post because it’s a juicy one; pre-sex fakeness cannot be adequately described here. My main thesis, though, is that people are fake before they have sex and less fake after they have sex.
Honesty and authenticity are two of my highest goals in life. I try so hard to be real with the people I meet – right from the start. Even with these goals in mind, though, I’m still putting my best foot forward with a girl that I want to sleep with. After I sleep with her, the burning desire is gone and some of my flaws become more obvious. Likewise for her.
After sex, we show our true(r) selves and often, we don’t like what we see as much as we thought we would. Then, one or both of us decide that there won’t be a repeat. In a perfect world, it would always be mutual. Unfortunately, though, sometimes one person feels nothing and the other person feels Fool’s Love.
Life gets in the way.
Everybody’s so busy these days, huh? It’s interesting because most people I know spend a shit-ton of time doing basically nothing. And a lot of the “busy” people that it’s so hard to schedule dates with seem a lot less busy when I get to know them. But I digress…
The point is that everyone seems to be busy – or they think they’re busy or they just say it. Regardless, maybe we can manage one date and it’s good enough to end in sex, but maybe a second one just isn’t in the cards. It’s not that she and I don’t like each other, it’s just that one or both of us is “busy.”
Other dates get in the way.
I don’t know if you caught my sarcasm in the last couple paragraphs, but let me make it clear. “Busy” is often a code word that can be loosely translated to “I’m fucking someone else I like better than you.”
Often, there are some hard feelings, but there don’t need to be. I think a lot of it comes down to how the message is communicated. If a girl tells me that she enjoyed spending time with me but that she doesn’t think she can see me again because she’s “busy,” that might sting a little but it would be fine. That literally never happens.
Usually, they start taking way too fucking long to respond to my texts or they just ghost me altogether. I’ve been through it enough times that I can figure it out pretty quick. When this happens – especially after a date that I thought was quite good or even great – it hurts me.
(Citra and I covered ghosting in The Art of Swiping Ep. 6: The Birth of #NoGhost. Quite simply, neither of us is a fan of ghosting.)
She’s a “fuckgirl.”
This scenario isn’t entirely separate from other dates getting in the way, but I think it deserves its own section.
OK, I really hate the term “fuckboy” and part of the reason is that I never see the equal but opposite term “fuckgirl.” I think there’s this narrative that so many men out there are just “collecting their jars of hearts” and that women are poor, defenseless creatures. Is that feminism? I don’t this so. You know what’s some cold, hard, equal opportunity shit? There are TONS OF FUCKGIRLS OUT THERE.
I’m not gonna judge the fuckgirls. When they’re honest with me, I quite like them, actually. We have lots of experiences we can share with each other, laugh about, and learn from. Often, though, they hide their true nature and I don’t figure it out until later.
Oh, you’re in Bali for a week and you’re not working, but you’re busy literally every day? Yeahhhh… you came here to be a one week fuckgirl. Just admit it…
“Not looking for fun. No Hookups. No ONS.”
I’ve seen some variation of those statements in so many girls’ Tinder profiles. Listen: I understand their frustration and I can’t blame them for trying to protect themselves from guys who “only want one thing.” Unfortunately, though, whether or not someone decides to see you again after you bang them isn’t really up to you.
You can’t force someone to like you enough to get into a relationship with you. You can make them wait several dates before you’ll fuck them if you want, but that doesn’t stop them from ghosting you just as quickly after – or even quicker.
Should you have sex on the first date?
In Fool’s Love, I mentioned that if you’re trying to protect yourself from falling too hard too fast, you might want to refrain from getting physical right away. My logic was that strong connections are built over time, so it’s easier to get fooled with one date than it is to get fooled over a period of two dates. This is true, but please allow me to contradict myself…
We’re human. If we’re with someone whom we’re attracted to and the conditions are right, we want sex. In a situation like that, not having sex is an acceptable decision – but it’s a decision to go against your biology. In some cases, if you don’t communicate well enough, it can even be a Roadblock that will hinder a potential connection. And as I mentioned earlier, I plan to advocate banging early on in a future blog post…
“Kyle, make up your fucking mind.”
I CAN’T. Whether or not having sex on a first date is good for you depends on your personality, the circumstances behind any given date, and your motivations. Examples are always helpful, though, right? Let me describe four situations that happened to me. Two of those situations ended in sex and two did not. Two situations featured logical, polite, respectful behavior and the other two did not. I know that’s probably confusing. Maybe this will help:
CINDY: I met Cindy a couple years ago. She liked me a lot and I knew it. I thought she was OK, and she probably thought I liked her a lot.
From Cindy’s Perspective: Sleeping with me on the first date probably wasn’t the right choice. I was too aloof and she was too invested. She fell in Fool’s Love and maybe it could have been avoided if we didn’t bang right away. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen her again and we both would have saved some time and emotions.
From My Perspective: Sleeping with Cindy wasn’t the right choice. She was attractive enough and I just kinda thought, “Why not?” but I could tell she was the type to develop feelings and I also knew that I would not develop feelings.
Conclusion: We had sex for the wrong reasons. I didn’t respect her enough and she didn’t protect herself well enough.
RACHEL: Rachel and I had a relatively boring but peaceful conversation on our first date. I invited her back to my place and we did what consenting adults sometimes do.
From Rachel’s Perspective: Honestly, I don’t know. She doesn’t talk much. But she must have been attracted to me enough or bored enough to want to get physical with me and she didn’t see any problems coming from it – so why not?
From My Perspective: Same, basically. Rachel’s hot and not annoying. There didn’t seem to be any strings attached, so why not?
Conclusion: Why not?
MICHELLE: Michelle flirted heavily with me over texting before we met. When I picked her up, she said she wanted to come right to my place. Then, she refused my advances and didn’t tell me why until after.
From Michelle’s Perspective: After our date, Michelle ended up telling me that she has a rule: She won’t have sex on the first date. That’s common enough and that’s fine. But if that’s your rule, maybe suggest a walk on the beach or something other than hanging out in a stranger’s bed, eh?
From My Perspective: I often say that first dates should always start in a public place and this date reinforced that philosophy. It’s just not a good idea to be in a bedroom with a person you’ve barely spoken to. In this case, I thought Michelle was hot and easy – and she would have been… but not on the first date.
Conclusion: Poor play by both parties. Michelle needed to take better care of herself and refrain from sending mixed signals. I needed to be less “thirsty.”
SARAH: Sarah and I went swimming on our first date. We were intensely attracted to each other and ended up in my room after. We made out a lot, but Sarah told me that she had a rule: No sex on the first date. I respected it.
From Sarah’s Perspective: She liked me, but she had her rule. She was able to have fun with me and reach her limit, but also communicate her rule in a polite but firm way.
From My Perspective: No sex? No problem. Sarah didn’t put up any Roadblocks and was honest about her feelings and motivations, so our connection grew accordingly.
Conclusion: Interestingly enough, the story with Sarah is almost exactly the same as the story with Michelle. The big difference, however, was Sarah’s maturity and ability to communicate. Michelle left me confused and frustrated whereas I had nothing but respect for Sarah.
Bang or Don’t. Either Way, Be Respectful and Responsible.
The point I’m trying to convey is that there is no set Yes or No answer for whether or not you should have sex on the first date – or a total One Night Stand, either. What’s best on that given day or night depends on you, the other person, your mood, their mood, the environment, your motivations, their motivations, etc.
Regardless, the important part is that you respect yourself and your date, especially by communicating clearly. You don’t have to show all your cards right up front, obviously. You don’t shake their hand and say “I will not have sex tonight.” (Some girls basically do that, by the way. Ugh.)
The Dos and Don’ts of First Night Sex
Don’t lie – to yourself or to them. Don’t hide your feelings – that’s a great way to start any relationship off wrong. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to.
Do go with the flow. Do tell your date if you feel uncomfortable – with WORDS. (Yes, it would be nice if everyone could read your body language, but that’s not reality.) Do take responsibility for your words and actions.
If the Dos and Don’ts lead to sex, go ahead and bang. If they lead you away from sex, keep it in your goddamn pants.