I’ve been PISSED for over a month. Obviously, this anger has been punctuated by plenty of other emotions. Sadness. Happiness. Peace. If I’m honest, though, I have to admit that I’ve been angrier in the last couple months than I have been for many years.
Why am I so upset?
That’s the question that inspired me to write this post. You see, if you asked me that question six weeks ago, I might have told you that it was because my ex girlfriend was a bitch. I don’t have those same thoughts anymore. But I still feel the same anger.
If you asked me why I was so angry three weeks ago, I might have told you about a “friend” who came to visit me. She was a real piece of work. She filled me with rage after just a couple of days together. I haven’t forgiven her for what she said and did, but I also have to admit that she isn’t the source of my anger anymore.
Last week, my answer would have been a girl named Shinta. We shared a deep connection and she threw it away. I haven’t forgiven her, either, but I can’t blame her for my rage. I think about her less and less with each passing day.
This morning, while I was meditating, I had two thoughts in a row. The first was that I’m so fucking pissed at this new girl, whom I haven’t even named in this post yet. The second thought was that I wasn’t pissed at her, at all.
I’m pissed at myself.
Somehow, I’ve become the type of person that I used to pity. We all know the girls who say they hate drama yet are constantly posting about their drama on social media.
I’m not going to start talking about “The Secret” or try to explain some quantum mechanics bullshit that none of us understand. Instead, I’m going to make a much simpler statement. Our emotions are almost entirely self-generated.
Yes, my ex girlfriend did some fucked up shit. Yes, my “friend” used me. Yes, Shinta rejected me. But that’s dating and that’s life. If I can’t handle it, it’s up to me to throw in the towel and step out of the ring. If I wanna play this contact sport, I gotta learn to accept the inevitable bruises. Sorry for the mixed, clichéd metaphors…
So, back to the important question: Why am I so pissed? Once I accepted that none of these hos are the problem and that it’s actually me, the answer was simple.
My life is not going in the direction I want it to.
I’ve neglected my physical health, I’ve neglected my career, and I don’t feel the same guiding purpose that I used to. Going from so focused and so high-functioning to my current state is just so harsh and disappointing that it feels me with rage. At myself.
The way forward is not to get revenge on any of the people that I feel have wronged me or even to “get over” them. There is no getting over them. There is simply moving forward.
If I want to dispel my chronic anger, I need to get back to the basics. What is my purpose? How can I be my best self?
What do I need to do today to get back on the right track?
If I can answer those questions and then act appropriately, no girl (or girls) will have the type of power over my emotions that they’ve enjoyed recently. Instead, I’ll take back control of my emotions and of my life.
Those girls are still bitches, though…